Start Me Up

If you start me up, I’ll never stop. Consider yourself warned.

It’s Sunday morning, my favorite time of the week, and I just broke up with somebody I care about deeply. I’m not sure it’s really a breakup, seeing as we haven’t seen each other in a few months and aren’t exactly dating. But we were at one point. And then we weren’t. Several times. And now we officially aren’t, per the email I sent to him this morning letting him know that I need some space. But somewhere in there, we fell in love, and the ceasing of communication, indefinite or not (I hope not), seems to me like a breakup.

This is particularly harrowing because this person - let’s call him ‘Andrew’ - has been a key player in my life since my husband Mark’s suicide nearly fifteen months ago. I love Andrew. He loves me. We get each other. Andrew knows more than anyone all those little idiosyncrasies that make me who I am, and I see him for the remarkably gentle love that he is. Perhaps we each needed the other during personally trying times, and we met so we could carry each other through. In our first conversation ever, just days after Mark died, he let me know I was in for a roller coaster (grief) and that he’d ride it out with me. And so he has.

Alas, over a year later and after creating many cherished memories together, I need to spread my wings and fly, as my mumma would say. I’m still strapped into the roller coaster, as I don’t dare let go. But perhaps Andrew is now in the seat behind me and I sit alone, arms spread wide with the wind blowing on my face.

...

Or maybe we just broke up. But how boring would life be without a good metaphor?

So I’m doing what any trendy, grief-stricken person would do: I’m starting a blog.

Throw away all other plans! Abandon the beaten path! I’m starting a new career as a writer! I’ll be the next Nora Ephron!

Okay, it’s not that dramatic. I’m keeping my day job, and there will never be another Nora Ephron. But this is very much one of those follow-your-heart experiences. I love words. ALL the words. Even the ones I don’t understand, which are many. I’ve earned two degrees - a BA in Spanish & an MA in Teaching ESL - which basically makes me a wordsmith in multiple languages. 

On the other hand, I have an exorbitant amount of thoughts for which I have yet to find the appropriate words, and I’m on a mission to do so. I will hunt them down, those words for all the tricky feelings. And I will write them so that others might locate themselves and have their own experiences articulated in that relieving way that leaves them thinking, “I’m not crazy. Somebody else feels this way, too.”

I’m having an adventure, and I’d like to share it with others. Care to join me?