Gravity

But you're neither friend nor foe, though I can't seem to let you go. The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.

You know the feeling when you miss somebody so badly that it hurts? When you want them so much that you hug a pillow pretending it's them, or maybe you grasp at the air in the hopes that you might magically feel them, even if they're on the other side of the world? When you just want to know that they're safe and give them a big ol' hug, but instead you're left counting down the days until you can wrap your arms around them again? And you know that when you finally have them back in the safety of your embrace that everything will seem right in the world. 

And do you also know that rage you feel when someone does something that is the polar opposite of everything that you stand for in life? You spend years, countless hours and minutes, putting together plans and speeches and movements, all in the name of something you feel so deeply about that you'd devote your life to it. Then some asshole comes along and tears it to pieces in an instant, completely ignorant of how you've poured your heart, soul and every fiber of your being into the very thing that they destroyed so carelessly. Their actions are so far off from what makes sense to you that you literally can't even begin to grasp how they could do such a thing, leaving your heartbrokenly bewildered and wondering if there's any point to life at all. And even though you know it's not personal, it hurts, and you're pissed.

That's how I feel about Mark, both of those feelings at once. Sometimes I feel like I might burst, as if there are too many feelings and my body might actually explode or evaporate, in which case I will cease to exist, having been overcome with emotion. It's too much for one person.

The shittiest part is that there is no end to this because I'm not counting down until the day Mark gets home. I didn't even get the closure of seeing him after he died, minus his hands. We had to sign a waiver just to go into the room to view him, given that once we were in there, we could remove anything covering his face. Nobody did, of course, and I knew it was him by his hands and the feel of his legs. But it made the whole thing a sort of phantom experience, like it wasn't real without seeing his face. I will never get to see his smile or hold him again.

Simultaneously, I wish I could erase him from my memory for doing something as maddening as ending his life. I am very clear that my purpose in life is to have others TRULY get for themselves and experience freedom and aliveness. If there is any reason for my existence, it is so that others can be free and alive. That's why I share so damn much; it makes a difference for others, and that's what I'm up to in life. Period. I know that right down to my core, wherever that is. I knew it before Mark died, though I only discovered it while imagining him spending his nights alone and anxious, gambling in a casino. It took his suicide for my purpose to become solidified. In a way, I can thank him for that, but I don't want to give him any credit or even think about him at times. Why would I want to remember somebody who did something that attacked everything I stand for?

A lot of things brought Mark to mind today. That's the case most days. Seriously, I think about him all the time, and in many different contexts, but today hasn't been roses and sunshine. It's been frustration, anxiety and tears. I'm tired. I need a break from all things Mark, but he's everywhere. Last night he was at Five Guys, where I went for a burger. I was so proud of myself for going out alone and trying a new place. (Yes, I know it's weird that I had never been there before.) But I couldn't even enjoy a meal without a break. Somebody named Mark called in an order for pickup, but one of the women working didn't know that he hadn't yet arrived.

Order for Mark.....Order for Mark....Is Mark here? Order for Mark.
*Mark shows up.
Mark is here!
*Mark then goes to the bathroom while they prepare one last item for his order.
Order for Mark....Where is Mark? Mark was just here, wasn't he? Mark? Order for Mark. Is Mark here?

I want to be able to hear the name Mark somewhere and not get annoyed or wonder if it's him giving me a sign that he's around.

I want to be able to think he's giving me a sign without feeling like a lunatic.

I want to be able to go into a crowded place without worrying that somebody in there has reached their breaking point and might pull out a gun, shoot up the place and then shoot themself.

I want to stop thinking that any long pole or stick I see is a shotgun.

I want to support the 2nd Amendment because I think people should be able to hunt, but then I also want people to not have easy access to shotguns. 

I want to be able to have a conversation about gun laws in which I both make my point and keep it together. I want to hear all sides, and I also want to eradicate the fact that guns even exist. 

I want my friends to be able to tell me about their financial concerns without then worrying that they're going to turn to gambling in an attempt to deal with their debt.

I want to be able to go to Vegas again someday and see a show without having to walk through a casino to get there. 

I want to be able to talk about the Super Bowl and people making bets on the game or buying squares without being reminded of Mark and his gambling. 

I want to be able to talk to people about their lives and their concerns without then losing sleep while worrying that maybe I should check on them because maybe they didn't say how they really feel, which might be suicidal.

I want to not panic that somebody is dead or killed themself every time they don't quickly answer a text message or a call. 

I want to be able to hear a loud noise without thinking that it's a gunshot and then spending the next five minutes wondering what a gunshot actually sounds like and what sound it made when Mark pulled the trigger.

I want to not be triggered by the word 'trigger'. Or 'brain'. Or 'blast'. Or 'mind blown'. Or 'splatter'. Or 'mark'. Or 'shoot'. Or 'head'. 

I want to be able to touch my head without being reminded of Mark's head and then wondering what it looked like.

I want to not have to wear a hood all the time in an attempt to protect my head from gunshots that aren't coming.

I want to not think at all that I'm being shot at, in any random place at any random time.

I want to fall asleep without twitching. 

I want to be awake and not twitch.

I want my body to get back in sync with my brain and not constantly act as if I'm in danger.

I want to hang out with old friends and not have to talk about Mark/talk only about Mark/not have to deal with THEM being weird talking about Mark. I want it all, and I never know when I'm going to want what. 

I also want to never again see any of the "friends" that turned out to not be my friends. Suicide is hard, and we're all dealing with Mark's loss differently, but if you weren't there for me at my worst, you don't get to be there anymore when I'm at my best. I love you and wish you well from afar. 

I want to just get over all this so that I don't have to avoid people anymore purely because they remind me of Mark.

I want to go places where I used to go and not worry I'm going to run into one of those people I no longer want to see.

I want to go places where Mark and I used to go without being reminded of him and expecting him to be there.

I want to not be afraid to go to those places. Seriously, I really miss the food at a restaurant we used to go to, and I just can't get myself to go back.

I want to meet new people and not have to ever mention anything about Mark, his suicide, our marriage...any of it. I want to be somebody new.

I want to go out on a date with somebody and never have to talk about past relationships.

I want to only be around people who are okay with me talking about Mark, even if it is a date.

I want to find somebody who completely gets me and my past, loves me for who I am and wants nothing more than to spend the rest of his life showering me with love and making sure that I achieve every goal I set for myself, while also having his own life and going after his own dreams. 

I want to not think that every man is a liar with a dark secret that will only come out once they've tricked me into marrying them.

I want to trust people again.

I want to be somebody's person. I also never want to be somebody's person ever again; it's a burden I'm not yet ready to bear. 

I want to be able to see people's wedding photos without thinking that they're completely foolish and have no clue how hard life really is.

I want to see people's wedding photos and not be jealous.

I want to not feel disconnected from people just because they haven't experienced what I've experienced.

I want everybody to understand how I feel, yet I never want another person to understand how this feels or go through anything like this ever again. 

I want to look at a child and not worry for them and all the challenges they are going to face, or worry that they will end up choosing suicide when life gets too hard.

I want life to not get any harder than it already is, for me or for anybody.

I want to do whatever I want for the rest of my life.

I want to do things and not be so exhausted after that I need to go to sleep.

I want to not need so much sleep in general, and I want to wake up feeling rested, not having had any stressful dreams or nightmares. 

I want somebody to want to do things with me as I go through life.

I want somebody to witness my life.

I want a fresh start financially. I want to file for bankruptcy and get a clean slate. 

I want to have the money to file for bankruptcy, and I want to not be pissed about the fact that I don't yet have the money to file for bankruptcy. I'm too broke to legally file paperwork stating that I'm broke and need a clean slate; go figure. 

I want to not spend nearly 20% of my income on Mark's car, a car that I never wanted.

I want my own car, one that isn't red or an automatic. Really, I want my old car back, and I want the money I've put into Mark's car to instead go into my car so I can fix her up and have her working well again. Except she's gone because I had to sell her after he died.

I want MY car back.

I also want to never let anybody else ever own Mark's car. I want to run that thing into the ground and destroy it like he destroyed me. Then I want to never get rid of whatever remains of it because it feels like throwing away a piece of Mark.

I want to be able to buy anything I want without having to worry about money, and I want to not feel bad about it. 

I want to not have to cancel vacation plans because I instead need to pay the DMV a ridiculously high bill for a car that I never wanted and that is somehow still registered in Mark's name, even though he's been dead for more than 18 months.

I want to not have to keep paying somebody else's debt. 

I want to never have to say, mention or think any of this ever again. I want it gone. All of it.

And I want to keep it all forever because letting go of any of this feels like letting go of Mark, and I don't want to. If I don't get to have the real him, my best friend, the one I remember from before we got married and before things got bad, then I'll take all this. At least for now. Perhaps I'll let some of it go when good memories start to take up more space and energy in my life. 

I want to remember the good and to honor Mark. 

I want to work through all this.

I want to look back at all this someday and notice how strong I am.

I want to be free and alive.

Endless thanks to my tribe for letting me be, no matter what. Even being able to text all this today made a huge difference and gave me some breathing room. You know who you are. xoxo