I Feel the Earth Move

Oh, darling, I can't stand it when you look at me that way.

But I do miss a whole assortment of tiny little things about you...

I miss your smile. 

I miss your crooked teeth and how they used to hurt me when we kissed, and I miss worrying about stupid things, like if anybody ever noticed your crooked teeth and wondered if they sometimes hurt me when we kissed.

I miss the sound of your voice, especially when you "sang", but mostly talked. 

I miss how you picked up on and got into any music suggested to you by someone you trusted. 

I miss the sound of your voice as you tried to sing some Carole King, but then decided midway through the titular lyric that you were embarrassed, thus shifting from singing to speaking before even finishing the line. Or maybe you were just a really bad singer and actually didn't know the tune of the song. I'm really not sure.

I miss being able to ask you about all the things I'm not sure of, and then to receive a response.

I miss listening to your favorites, Adele and Taylor Swift.

I miss watching ridiculous chick flicks with you and your soppy emotions.

I miss your monotone that seemed to change only when you were gasping "WHATTTTT???" in exasperation or yelling at people to do burpees.

I miss doing burpees with you.

I miss running with you and almost always beating my previous times.

I miss how in shape I was with you before we got married. 

Damn, we looked good....

I miss the way you would smile and say "so good" with a mouth full of food EVERY time you ate.

I miss eating California burritos with you. 

I miss how much you bragged about me to everyone and how proud you were of me.

I miss the way you'd softly pat the spot next to you on the couch when you wanted me to come snuggle with you.

I miss that you liked snuggling with me even though I regularly pushed you away because I just can't sleep with somebody all up in my space.

Seriously. I like my space.

I miss having someone so resourceful, prepared and fearless around to handle unpleasant things, like the half-dead scorpion I found in our guest room and anything heavy that I ever needed lifted and moved from one spot to another.

I miss the quiet focus with which you prepped your gear for drill.

I miss hearing you talk about your Marines.

I miss the dusty, sandy mess of all your gear when you got back from drill.

I miss the baffling excitement with which you would consume the contents of an MRE.

I miss watching you win every race or physical challenge that you ever took on.

I miss seeing you show up half asleep to pick me up and how you always showed up, no matter how tired you were.

I miss how you used to half wear your flip-flops. It was interesting to see you manage to walk in them without getting your feet fully into the "slippers", as you called them. 

I miss the sound of your flip-flops as you came down the walkway into our apartment. 

I miss eating plates of protein because you didn't seem to know what vegetables were.

I miss eating gluten free cakes right off the baking sheet and that time we ate the apple pie on the floor.

I miss how we basically were always sitting on the floor, even when we had furniture.

I miss renting movies from the library with you and watching them on my laptop before we had a TV.

I miss the way you said "boom" and how you tried to make "J.U.I.C.E." the next best thing.

Who remembers what his stupid J.U.I.C.E. acronym stood for???

I miss watching you with kids; you were such a natural with them.

I miss being "Tita Maggie".

I miss the way you always ignored me while I was dancing and pretending to be a great singer. I also really miss how you always allowed me to take videos of you ignoring me while I was dancing and pretending to be a great singer. 

I miss how you always got food for me. ALWAYS. It's amazing we didn't weigh twice as much as we did.

I miss the curry we used to eat from the mystery place whose name and location you took to the grave.

So good...

I miss taking my rings off of my bedside table every morning and putting them on, unless I was going for a run, in which case my fingers would swell and all ring-wearing would have to wait until after my shower and some serious hydration.

I miss a whole bunch of things, and I've missed thinking about and acknowledging them.