You Oughta Know

I’m here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away.

I love learning. I used to joke that what I wanted to be in life was a professional student, and with the professional aspect aside, I basically am. There’s a few tall stacks of books next to my bed, and I’m regularly in pursuit of new knowledge. When Mark chose to take his own life, I was gifted an entirely new set of unsolicited (and unwanted) facts, views and bits of information.

Here’s a list of some of those things I didn’t know before, none of which I can ever un-know, most of which I can’t imagine even WANTING to know, and all of which I learned the hard way. It's not all bad, and they've been valuable lessons. These are things I would really like more people to know, though that’s primarily because I desperately want to be understood and to feel less alone, or at least like less of a lunatic. I don’t actually wish that anybody else ever NEED to know, understand or apply any of this knowledge, but feel free to take what you like and leave the rest. Maybe you can make good use of it so that fewer people ever have the misfortune of discovering these things as I did.

1. There are twice as many suicides each year in the United States as homicides.

2. Suicide meets the CDC's criteria for what is considered a major public health issue. In many demographics and communities, including the veteran community, it is considered an epidemic. 

3. Firearms are the most common method chosen for suicide, accounting for nearly 50%.

4. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S.

5. Shotguns are the most common firearms chosen for suicide.

6. For every suicide, there are an estimated 25 attempts. *This is underreported, given the stigma and shame often associated with suicide. 

7. The song 'Angel' by Sarah McLachlan is about suicide. Though it's known mostly for its use in commercials about preventing cruelty to animals, she actually wrote it about Jonathan Melvoin of The Smashing Pumpkins, who died of a heroin overdose. *Mark's cousin sang it beautifully at his services, and I can never hear it again without thinking of his suicide and how he must have been feeling. I only listen to it if I need a good cry...sob...alone in my car. 

8. Suicide by firearms is considered gun violence, accounting for more than 60% of deaths caused by guns. 

9. '5150' is the California police code for an involuntary psychiatric hold. *Life seems to not want me to forget these numbers. Four months after Mark's suicide, I moved into a beautiful new home whose street address is none other than '5150'. There it is, painted big and bold on the sidewalk at the end of our driveway, right in front of where I typically park my car. Sometimes I don't park there so that I don't have to see it.

10. Contrary to laws in other jurisdictions, in San Diego County one cannot be detained, or "5150'd", without possessing a means of harming themself. Intent alone is not enough. 

11. You do not need to wait 24 hours to file somebody as a missing person. *It's quite possible that everybody else knows this, but somewhere along the journey of my life, I got the idea (or completely made up) that if a person of legal age is missing, the police can't do anything about it until they've been gone for at least 24 hours. **Please put this information to use immediately if you ever have the misfortune of having someone in your life go missing. 

12. There's a big difference between a 3-volley salute and a 21-gun salute. Google it. You probably have it wrong. *This wasn't so hard to learn, but I did feel a little bit stupid not knowing what was happening at my own husband's funeral.

13. Apparently, it's a New England thing to call a 'viewing' a 'wake'. Also, what we call a 'funeral home' is more commonly known on the west coast as a 'mortuary'. *I prefer my names for both, and I consider myself a bit of an expert when it comes to funerals. I'm Irish, so we throw a good funeral. But I again felt a bit stupid not knowing what I was talking about at my own husband's funeral and 'viewing'.

14. Even if a body is not viewable, they still call it a 'viewing'. *This is just dumb and pissed me off. 

15. Filipinos do funerals a lot different from the Irish. *There's nothing wrong with this; I just learned it the hard way.

16. The vast majority of veteran suicides are not a result of PTSD, which often occurs for service members after combat. *If you read the VA's reports on this, you'll learn a lot. I've lost count of how many times I've had to explain that Mark's 'veteran suicide', along with most other veteran suicides, was not at all like what most people first assume. 

17. PTSD is a very real thing, and it is highly common in survivors of suicide loss. 

18. Suicide survivors are among those most at risk for suicide.

19. Antidepressant medication is marvelous, though it might take a few tries to find the right one for you. *My body apparently is not a fan of Effexor, and I definitely learned that one the hard way. Ask my roomies.

20. Adjusting to antidepressants is a doozy. 

21. Sleep is a luxury.

22. Funerals are horrendously expensive, and life insurance is not something to put off until later. *Mark and I failed in this department, which just added to the suckiness of the whole thing.

23. Denial and shock are natural parts of the grieving process. They are wonderful, BUT they trick you into thinking you're doing okay. Then they wear off, and everything is terrible, even if months have passed since the loss occurred.

24. Grief is exhausting and will basically turn you into a zombie. *Be kind to others; you never know what they're dealing with.

25. Grief messes with your memory. *If it weren't for social media or people reminding me (sometimes not so graciously) of all the things I did, I wouldn't remember a great deal of the first year since Mark's death. I was once quite convinced that it was 2012, having no idea that I was years off. I wasn't just getting the number wrong; I actually thought it was 2012.

26. Suicide is not like other deaths, and I was probably of the least support to anybody who suffered a loss to suicide (or any loss, really) before knowing what it was like. Seriously, it was shocking to realize how horribly unsupportive I'd been to so many in the face of any loss. I said all the wrong things. 

27. Some of the people I thought were my friends apparently are not. *This turned out to be a good thing, but the initial realization (marked by such things as people removing me from social media, not showing at Mark's services, completely disappearing from my life, or giving unsolicited advice about how I'm not grieving according to their standards) was all quite shocking. And enraging. And confusing. And quite heartbreaking. 

28. Despite loving me, some of my dearest friends will not go to my funeral. Some people just don't go.

29. I am as capable as anyone else at doing just about anything, including making some not-so-good choices. 

30. It is possible to feel so enraged that you believe you might physically explode.

31. It is possible to feel so miserable that you don't want to live.

32. Spouses are most commonly blamed for suicides, followed by parents when there is no significant other. *Even though I know that I am not to blame for Mark's suicide, it still stings when someone points a finger at me (or texts, or posts it on my Facebook, or messages, or gossips and spreads rumors that get back to me). 

33. Suicide rates associated with gambling addiction are higher than those of any other addiction. 

34. Police intervention, even in large quantities, does not guarantee a suicide will be prevented. *Disclaimer: I am nothing but grateful for the MANY law enforcement officers who were involved in the fight to keep Mark alive. They were my battle buddies, they did everything right, and I'm sorry for their loss as much as my own.

35. Some people are just really good at lying.

36. Many cities have funds and organizations that provide financial aid in the wake of a homicide, typically to help with things such as cleaning. This is not the case for suicides. Not only do you have to deal with the proverbial mess, but you also have to deal with the literal, physical mess. Fortunately, you can hire someone for "bio-hazard clean-up". Unfortunately, it's not cheap. (But who would do that job for cheap?) *I don't expect people to deal with my life and my problems for me. This is just another fact I never cared to know, yet now know all too well. 

37. Multiple people knew Mark was suicidal without ever telling me. *I don't blame them, and I trust they did what they thought was right at the time in support of their friend. But I felt really dumb, naive and embarrassed to find out that others knew more about what he was dealing with than I did.

38. People seem to love the word 'trigger' and any expressions that include it. There also seems to be a great deal of gestures, memes, emojis and idioms that allude to suicide. *I notice them immediately and am usually distracted for at least a few seconds, sometimes hours, by even the slightest mention. 

39. 'Mark' is one of the most common names for males. I can't get away. 

40. Males aged 85 and older are the demographic with the highest suicide rates.

41. Memorial Day and Veterans Day are not just days off.

42. Gold Star Families - I truly didn't know what they were before. I didn't even know what it was when my Casualty Assistance Officer handed me my Gold Star. In hindsight, I feel pretty dumb about this one, too, but I simply didn't know. This is definitely one little tidbit I learned the hard way. 

43. I believe in ghosts. *I think I always did, but discovering (and finally acknowledging) this about myself after Mark's death was awful with a touch of crazy. Perhaps I'll blog just about that someday. 

44. Suicide does not discriminate. It can tempt any of us. 

45. Murder-suicides are increasing at alarming rates, currently estimated at about 1,200 annually in the U.S. A high percentage of mass shootings end with the perpetrator taking their own life, usually by shooting themself. About a third of partner homicides become murder-suicides when the perpetrator takes their own life. *I've actually had people say to me that I was lucky Mark didn't kill me first, which is possibly the strangest thing I can think of other than the unfortunate truth that Mark did in fact take his own life. **There is no official tracking system for murder-suicides, and research on this issue is just starting to grow, given the very serious issues our country is currently facing regarding gun laws. ***I support the 2nd Amendment, but this has gotten out of control.

46. I will never be the same.

47. Most people will never understand my experience. *This is okay, but I'm still caught off-guard when somebody asks me why I'm upset or what's wrong. It boggles my mind that they even have to ask. But then again, they're not me, nor do they have a never-ending commentary in their head including most of the things on this list.

48. Running won't always be my solace. *I'm still struggling with this one, as my running has taken a huge toll since Mark's suicide. 

49. EVERYTHING can change in an INSTANT.

50. A lot of people are VERY uncomfortable talking about suicide, and some might never acknowledge that Mark did in fact die by suicide. *I get it. I really hate the word 'suicide', and it took me a while to say it. Now I can't get it out of my head.

51. I am tremendously stubborn. *I MIGHT have known this before, but my own stubbornness has shocked me many times these last sixteen months. I was not aware of the degree to which I don't like letting others help me, nor how uncomfortable I am being vulnerable with others. I had thought I'd developed some good practices that have me connect more with others, but in the face of all the emotions of this experience, I've mostly tried to go it alone. I'm a work in progress, and I'm getting better at letting others contribute to me. 

52. I don't need Mark. *Enough said about that.

53. Life goes on. *This is both the best and the worst lesson of all. 

And Mark, you smug pain in my ass, thank you for fostering my love of learning. Ultimately, you are at the source of the hardest lessons I’ve ever learned, though you were completely off target thinking that any of this falls into the category of things I’m interested in studying. Alas, you are the reason for my new education, and when I can’t get the items on this list out of my head, I give you all the credit. I’d be remiss not to throw some gratitude your way, wherever the hell you are. I love you.