First Date

Would you guess that I didn't know what to wear?

I've heard some horror stories from my fellow widsters about dating as a widow, and even worse ones from my fellow suicide widows. I must say, I was not looking forward to it. On the contrary, and seeing as I haven't even gone back to the place where I was asked on a date a few weeks ago, I've been avoiding it. 

And I call myself brave... On the plus side, while I've been avoiding going back to that store on my lunch breaks, I've been going for lots of walks and getting in lots of steps. That clearly justifies my continuing to be a chicken and not going back to the store that I love just to avoid having to face the cute guy who asked me out there, right? 

Needless to say, I expected the worst about dating and, naturally, I catastrophized the whole thing in my head. I could just imagine that the poor fellow who was brave enough to go out with me would be horrified to hear that my husband killed himself and would then run away to avoid whatever it was about me that plagued Mark to the point of suicide. I am aware that it is not my fault that Mark chose suicide and it wasn't anything about me that led him to do it. But the mind can be a real jerk sometimes and lead you to believe otherwise. In those rough moments, I'm convinced that my relationships are doomed to fail, and if you don't believe me, I have plenty of evidence that I'm not sure many people can top.

But this first date was quite wonderful, and I have been proven wrong, yet again. In this case, I'll take it! He even knows I'm blogging about it, and I let him choose his secret code name. He had an answer almost immediately: Redcorn. Think King of the Hill. He gets brownie points for being funny.

I met Redcorn last year at a party of sorts. He's a friend of a friend, and my main memory of him was that he didn't speak. That, and we made out at a club, as this was during my brief stint as a floozy. But other than that, I remember him as the silent one. And he's tall. And brown, which shouldn't be shocking to those who know me and that I basically only date brown men. I think I'm white enough for any couple, but enough of that. He definitely didn't speak in my memory. We just kissed, and sort of danced, which was lovely, and since then, we regularly like each other's posts on social media. We recently had a chance to catch up at a fun event, where we found ourselves making out AGAIN. It was still lovely, but I was different, what with not being a reckless basketcase anymore. And it occurred to me that I might like to see him again.

Four days later, in a miraculous conversation with my friend, Sir Charles, about how terribly off things are in my relationship with running, we ended up on the topic of how terribly off things are for me in... wait for it... romantic relationships. Seeing as I'm not romantically involved with anyone, it would certainly be hard to feel anything but off. But Charles sorted me out, and by the end of our chat, I was clear that what there was for me to do was call Redcorn and ask him out. I gave my word to Charles that I would, and on my way home, I made the call.

... no answer...

OMG he's probably wondering why I would call him at this hour (10pm) on a Thursday. Who calls this late? I bet he's asleep. I know I'm usually asleep right now. This is WAY past my bedtime. Oh, I'll text him! Right. Texting. Thank goodness for texting. Okay, then he can call back if he wants. OMG what if he calls back tomorrow and I have to get brave again??

Thankfully, he did call the next morning, right as I happened to check my phone at work. I may or may not have then jumped out of my chair and skipped a few times before running awkwardly out of the office to the porch to answer, having not taken a single breath and starting the conversation with loud aspiration.

Me: HI!
Redcorn: Hello. (He actually says 'hello' in a normal voice, not singing as I usually do.)
Me: How are you?
Redcorn: I'm good, how are you? (He's so normal...)
Me: I'm good! Ummm, thanks for calling back. Ummmm.... ARE YOU SEEING ANYONE? (OMG Maggie, why are you barking at him?)
Redcorn (after what feels like a 1-minute pause): No.
Me: So, you're single?
Redcorn (after what feels like a 5-minute pause): Yes.
Me: So, you're available? *These are important questions, ladies. 
Redcorn: Well, define available, because my school and work schedule right...
Me: NEVERMIND! I got it. But you're single? (STOP BARKING AT HIM!)
Redcorn: Yes.
Me: Would you like to go out with me some time?
Redcorn (after what feels like a 10-year pause): .... Yes.
Me: OH! 

Remember when I said I expect the worst?

He laughed at my response, but by the end of the call, we had plans for a date on Sunday! And then I called Shaela to give her the news, as well as texted my sisters, one of my widsters, my roomies, and eventually my stepmom and brother. And then I told my mom. No, I'm not crazy or obsessed. I was just so damn proud of myself that I wanted to tell everyone. I may have been very involved with one person for several months after Mark died, but it wasn't exactly dating. I really love "Andrew", but we were a hot mess. I like to think of us as battle buddies stuck in the trenches together. We needed each other, and we were very romantically involved, but it wasn't dating. Plus, it was always a secret. But this was plain old exciting!

Until Sunday came...

Here are actual texts I sent to Shaela in the hours leading up to the date:

Me: I just put a picture of Mark away and apologized and kissed it before putting it in the drawer LOL I felt weird having it out since he (Redcorn, not Mark. Duh.) is picking me up here and might come in. LOL I kissed it.
Shaela: Haha awww... xoxo Yay. Today is the day. What are you guys gonna do?
Me: No idea. He said he'd find something. 
5 minutes later, post-laughing at myself for kissing Mark's photo...
Me: OMG and now a Mark song just came on xoxo No longer funny. Now I'm crying. Still a little funny. Life is so fucking weird. 
Shaela: lol oh man. Oh goodness xoxo
Me: I think he'd be proud of me for going out.
Shaela: Yes, that's probably why the song came on.
5 minutes later, post-crying session...
Me: OMG idk how to dress for a place that idk we're going to. What do people do on dates? This is a major exercise in trust for me.
Shaela: I have no idea lol not too dressy
30 minutes later, after sending photos for Shaela's approval of my outfit, as well as asking my roomy to make sure my ass looked good in my jeans...
Me: OMG he's on the way. SHAELAAAAA. My esophagus is talking and making nervous noises. 
Shaela: Oh no.
Me: I hope we go watch football or something. Pats are playing in an hour. I'd be comfortable with that. Except I'm not dressed for football. OMG I should've just said let's go watch the game. OMG.
Shaela: lol that would be nice...
Me: Does everybody panic this much? OMG I'm gonna have to walk down the stairs, and what if I fall? I'll probably fall. That would certainly break the ice.
Shaela: You won't.
Me: I might. Anything is possible.
Shaela: Guys like to see stuff like that anyway. It shows you aren't trying to be Miss Perfect and showing you lol
Me: Why did I dress cute then?!?! I don't dress this way! (I wore tight-ish jeans, a cute top and wedges, plus I did my hair and put on make-up.) Oh, I'll go through the downstairs! I won't fall. OMG I have hiccups. Fabulous. 
Shaela: Well, at least he will like you for you lol
Me: Haha that is his only choice. Maybe he won't, and then we'll at least know.
Shaela: Then he wouldn't be a good one to date, right?
Me: Yeah. May as well find out. Okay. That's better. I'm good. I can go find out. All is well lol carry on
Shaela: hahahaha
1 minute later...
Me: This is getting a blog. I'm just gonna let him know it's getting a blog. OMG I'm tired. I get tired when I'm confronted. Who is ready for a date 45 minutes early? Too much time to panic. Maybe we'll just be friends. Maybe friends with benefits. Maybe nothing. idk OMG hiccups. And now my mom is calling!
Shaela: Everything will be just fine.  

Apparently, Shaela thinks everything is funny, and I think everything is the end of the world. But she was right. Everything was fine, except for my outfit. I was totally trying way too hard. I clean up well, and I enjoy dressing up sometimes, but being "girly" is something I save for special occasions. Most days, I'm pretty okay with myself au natural in jeans and a tee with flip-flops. I'm not one to spend time on my hair or make-up, even if it doesn't take me that long, and DEFINITELY not midday on a Sunday during football season. When I got in the car, he said he was thinking we could go to the batting cages, until he saw my outfit. I immediately exclaimed that I could go home and change. We had barely pulled away from the house. 

FAIL! OMG why did I try to dress cute? It's Sunday. Sundays are for sports. I even did my hair! I would've been fine in a Pats shirt.

And for the rest of the day, I let all my normally internal conversations with the voice in my head come right out of my mouth. We joked about how I tried too hard with my outfit. He said I could've just been myself. I told him I wanted to look good, and he said I looked pretty. BUT we agreed that I won't dress that way again, at least not on a Sunday. We ended up going to watch the Pats game at a bar in PB. 

Note: Bars are not a great spot for a date. They are loud, and you will end up having to scream just to have a conversation. This is okay, though, if you both actually like football and beer on a Sunday. And French fries, of course. Then bars are a perfect spot for a date. It's even better when your team wins, even if your date pretends to not know which team is yours, judging by your cute outfit lacking in football apparel. 

GO PATS!

I don't feel like saying much else about the date and am present to the expression, "I don't kiss and tell."

I think it's actually, "Ladies/gentlemen don't kiss and tell."

On second thought, this expression doesn't really apply to me. I'm not much of a lady, and I do tell. I tell all the words. That's the whole point of this blog. But let's be serious. This is way more about me and my ridiculousness than about the actual date, and some things are meant to be just mine to remember and enjoy.

I will say, though, that I learned a lot from this. For starters, some guys really are nice guys. Gentlemen, even. Redcorn is definitely one of them. I learned that dating doesn't necessarily have to be hard. I'm in no rush to go out with more people any time soon, but I see it doesn't have to be something overwhelming or require my creating an account on a dating app. I really enjoyed chatting with someone new; it was particularly nice chatting with Redcorn and discovering that he does, in fact, speak. He said a lot, actually, and I liked listening. He didn't seem to mind that I'm ridiculous. I was okay with being the one who tried too hard and learning that dating doesn't have to be fancy. I was also (painfully) reminded of the hazards of a make-out session in the car. Think: high school. It was that bad. 

SLASH AWESOME!

Seriously, I was hurting the next day, and still a little bit today. I told Redcorn he can make it up to me by taking me out again, to which he replied, "Okay then." He even added a smiley emoji.

I have no idea what we'll do next time or when it will be. We don't live very close, our schedules almost completely oppose each other's, and we both seem to like doing our own thing. Even so, the whole thing is exciting. I'm very proud of myself, as well as very shocked that my being a suicide widow wasn't even a topic of conversation.

You mean not everything revolves around me and my drama?!?! 

It probably helped that he already knew that about me, but it was barely even on my own mind. We didn't spend much time talking about anything serious or what we're looking for in a relationship. We just had fun. It was drastically more awesome than I imagined the whole go-on-a-first-date-after-my-husband's-suicide thing would be. 

Take that, suicide!