Lemon Tree

I wonder how. I wonder why. Yesterday you told me 'bout the blue, blue sky. And all that I can see is just a yellow lemon tree.

There are some things that I get to enjoy now that Mark is dead. 

Life has given me lemons, and DAMMIT! There will be lemonade for everyone!

No.

No, there won't.

No lemonade.

I have acid reflux.

My husband killed himself, and it left me in a rather unpleasant predicament. If he had passed in any other way, I'd be dealing with a slew of other issues. I see some of the things my widow friends have had to deal with given the non-suicide-related circumstances of each of their husband's deaths, and I don't envy them. Though I can really only speak to my own experience, that of a suicide widow, I do think many other widows will relate. There aren't many perks to this situation, but in the spirit of looking on the bright side of life, here's what I've come up with.

1. I get the bed to myself. My bed is pretty comfy, and I don't have to share it with anyone. This wasn't a big adjustment given Mark wasn't often home at night, but I do rather enjoy sleeping in the middle. In fact, I don't sleep well (barely at all) if there's another human in my bed. Mark used to get mad that I didn't want to snuggle more. I'm a big fan of snuggling and a big fan of sleeping, but not at the same time. 

2. I don't have to share a blanket.
This is mostly a continuation of my previous point because there just aren't many items that can be put on a list of perks to being a suicide widow. I'm not even sure it qualifies as a list, so I'm adding as many items as I can to make myself feel better about the fact that I'm actually making a list of things I get to enjoy now that I am widowed by suicide.

3. I can wear high heels without feeling like a giant next to my husband. Mark was shorter than me. I didn't like feeling so tall next to him and having to look down. And though I feel safest with my feet flat on the ground, I've been able to enjoy wearing some really sexy heels since he died. The gold ones are my favorite, though I've only worn them twice. Perhaps it's time to dress up again.

Someone tall should take me out... hint... hint... hint... 

4. I eat what I want when I want, except for when I'm too lazy to get food, in which case this really isn't much of a perk so much as thing I do because it is required in order to sustain life. It does happen to include only my favorite foods, though. Or the ones I can afford. Or the ones I'm not too lazy to get or make. I eat a lot of shakes, protein bars and Greek yogurt. Okay, this one kinda sucks. But hey, I get to live free of the hunger concerns of others!  

5. One bank account.

6. I can go out with whomever I want. I don't, but I can. And nobody can accuse me of cheating because I'm single and do what I want!
And also because I'm not cheating on anyone, seeing as there's nobody on whom to cheat...
My best friend Shaela's daughters will tell you otherwise; they still think that I'm married to Mark, despite knowing that he is dead. Seriously, I asked them if I can go out with a boy and got some interesting responses. The younger one told me I needed to get special permission from the authorities to get a divorce from Mark. The next time I asked her daughters if I could go out with a boy, the older one replied, "Why would you do that? Just adopt a kid!"
As if that would solve anything, though they did agree that I could be with a new boy AFTER adopting the poor child.
Their opinions aside, I'm really enjoying being single. I don't have to deal with anybody else's jealousy, which seems to have been a theme in my past relationships. I never cheated on Mark, though he apparently told some people that I did. The whole "Andrew" relationship is a doozy of a story for another day. My point is that I like having the freedom to do whatever I want with whomever I want without having to consider another person's feelings. I might take further advantage of this if I weren't so afraid of most humans, but having the option is nice enough for now. 

7. I sleep when I want, often at 7:30. 

8. I wake up when I want.
Same as #2, this is to make my list feel longer.

9.  ... nine ... sounds like 'nein', the German word for 'no'...

That's all I've got. I could say a lot about my new lease on life, but eh. I do believe that this whole experience has granted me a perspective that I am lucky to have. I don't always want it, but I don't take it for granted. I'm really okay if the only 'perks' I can come up with are my super sexy heels and a bed to myself, and I wouldn't trade them to have Mark back, at least not the way things were. He was suffering and so was our marriage. There is peace in knowing he's not trapped or hurting anymore. Plus, I think he liked when I wore heels and used to brag about being the short guy who ended up with the tall girl and her long legs.

We have so many expressions about being positive and looking on the bright side of life, but some things just suck. When life hands you lemons, you don't have to make lemonade. Who said there's anything wrong with lemons anyways? They're just doing their thing. They can't help it if they're too sour for regular consumption. They are, on the other hand, okay in small doses, maybe a slice here or there. Lemons are actually very good for you. The acid helps to burn off all kinds of icky stuff in your body. Sure, it also gives many of us heartburn, but some things are worth it.

Like pizza. Or beer. Or donuts.

Furthermore, most lemonade on the market is absurdly sugary and unhealthy. We work so hard to sweeten that which is bitter that we end up with Type 2 Diabetes.

I mean, really people, we've taken things a bit far here, don't you think? 

Let the lemons be bitter! Let yourself be bitter now and then. It's part of being human. Not everything has to be positive, and even if it isn't, that doesn't make it bad. I will likely tell you otherwise in one of those moments when Mark's suicide feels too overwhelming to even begin to fathom, which happens in more moments throughout the day, EVERY DAY, than I can count. But those moments pass. Heartburn can be soothed. The hard moments come around for another visit, often in a different shape or form. The heartburn gets worse and you feel like you're breathing fire. But then it passes again at some point. Those gold heels that I love so much also gave me a blister last time I wore and danced in them for hours. Lemons burn my esophagus, but lemon meringue pie makes me happy. And so does my comfy bed.