Over You

You went away. How dare you. I miss you.

I miss Mark so much that just thinking about him makes me cry.

That only took twenty months to say...

I didn't miss him at first. I was too numb and in shock. Then I was busy being mad. Then I was drunk and/or hungover, plus numb. Then I was anxious. Then mad again. Then anxious and mad at the same time. Then I felt guilty. Then I was depressed and wanted to die, plus still anxious. Then mad again. Then I liked being mad and being able to express my anger with words. Then it got easier to be mad than it was to miss him. Anxiety stayed at play for several months. Now, I feel a bit like I'm starting to level out. I still experience all of that, but for shorter lengths of time. And when all of those feelings take a break, it seems that I am incredibly sad. It's kind of nice missing Mark and feeling something new, to be honest. It beats being so angry, depressed and anxious, but I don't really like being sad, either.

Sadness is not the same as depression. Right now, I'm eating tortilla chips with Greek yogurt and salsa while simultaneously crying. It's very attractive, as you can imagine. Sadness is eating the chips and nearly choking on them while I ugly cry at the same time. Depression is eating the chips with no expression on my face and not even tasting the salsa, or maybe not even bothering to get any salsa for the chips in the first place. They're distinct, though both very tiring. 

In fact, I'm now so tired from being sad and allowing myself to truly feel the sadness that I don't feel much like writing anymore. Apparently, all those sad Disney songs on my ride home from work and the tears than ensued took up all my energy. And that's okay. Saying any of this was a big deal for me. It took me a while to find the words for my anger; maybe it'll take some time to find words for this sadness, if there even are any.