Who Says

Who says I can't be free from all of the things that I used to be? Rewrite my history. Who says I can't be free?

Me, myself and I. 

Humans limit themselves. We all do it. We make up rules about what we can and can't do, and then we follow them as if they're real. I have a history of being uptight. I can't help it. I'm from New England. And I'm Irish. And a Virgo. And female. The odds are against me, and any progress in chilling out takes some conscious effort on my part. Fortunately, this is one aspect on which Mark's suicide had a positive impact. Most of us have been through some sort of wake-up-call-esque experience that has us see how short life really is and that most of our concerns are superficial and not even worth mentioning at our funerals. Losing your spouse to suicide is DEFINITELY one such experience. Here are some of the things I've been able to experience now that I don't waste so much energy sweating the small stuff. 

And perhaps also because I had such a bad case of the fuck-its that I spent several months living with reckless abandon.

1. I cut my own hair. My long ponytail was driving me nuts while running, as its length had been neglected for over a year. I almost went to get it cut, but instead, I did it myself. I spent more time mentally preparing for such a rebellious event than actually participating. It took me all of five minutes, plus a few to take photos, of course. That was a few weeks ago, and I must say, the unevenness of it has become a bit annoying. The left side is apparently shorter than the right, so some strands fall out. The thing I was trying to get rid of was hair on my neck, so naturally that's the issue I continue to have. Now, instead of being too long, it's too short. Go figure. But only on one side! Once it grows out a bit, I'll probably be so pleased that it stays up in a ponytail that I'll forget it's uneven. And the saga continues...

2. I tried pot. I don't do it often, and I can't even say I enjoy it all that much, but it's been entertaining and fun trying things without feeling bad about it. I never had any desire before. (There was an incident at an Oasis concert when I was seventeen: Everybody else was stoned, and I had sun poisoning. The only one who was sick was me, and I was sober as can be. Unfortunately, ever since then, I've associated the smell of pot with how nauseous I felt from the sun poisoning.) I also grew up with asthma, so smoking anything never appealed to me. I've now smoked a few times and didn't much like it. But there are edibles! I know I can't mix it with alcohol or I become entirely useless. And if I'm feeling down, it is a BAD idea. But I also tried a brownie once, and that was a hoot! I swear, I ate for five hours straight. Again, this isn't something I do regularly. But hey, I live in southern California. I was bound to try it at some point. 

3. I went for a hike ALONE in the DARK! This was primarily because I couldn't sleep and literally didn't now what to do with myself, but it was definitely something I'd never have done before. I'm terrified of the dark, and I'm cautious of being alone, so this was quite risky, you see. I hiked Cowles Mountain in San Diego about three months after Mark died at around 4:30am. I got to the top before the sun came up and discovered that there's apparently quite a crowd of people who seem to enjoy walking up rocky hills in the dark without a flashlight. It probably took me twice as long as most people since I kept tripping and then had to slow down and take very tall steps to avoid tripping, but I made it! I was really proud of that because it was outside of my comfort zone. 
*Note: It didn't help my anxiety very much, nor did it prove to be a good outlet for my frustration. I was still so pissed off when I got back to the bottom that I went to my favorite lake and walked five miles around it to burn off more steam. But hey, it was an adventure. 

4. I kissed a girl. 
TEEHEEHEE!
I don't really want to say anything more about this because I totally have concerns about my family reading this! 
Ermuhgerd, my Catholic roots are making me cringe and giggle.
But yeah, I did that. IN PUBLIC. I may have been drunk. I haven't repeated it, nor do she and I talk about that incident. But it was fun. 
*I've got nothing about homosexuality. (Quite the contrary, actually.) I'm just very straight. All my gay/bi friends make fun of how straight I am. I don't even have good gay-dar and once found out that a friend of mine identifies as a lesbian after I'd known her for over a year.

5. I forgot... I kissed another girl. But it was just a peck! We're very good friends and joke about it now. She's as straight as I am, and I think we felt safe enough to try that together. Plus, we'd had a lot of wine. I'm not even sure it counts. It was like, an elementary school style peck. It mostly serves as a reminder to the two of us of how uptight and boring we are when left to our own devices. 

6. I went to Mexico. TWICE! I've lived in San Diego for over six years, yet I somehow never traveled the thirty minutes to Mexico until after Mark died. The first was a trip I got treated to by dear friends who wanted me to join them and a group of friends for some fun. It was marvelous, and also a big deal that I let other contribute to me in such a way. (I could write a book about all the ways I've finally let people contribute to me without any guilt.) But I also went over the border by MYSELF again last year. I've traveled a lot, but I was unnecessarily nervous to drive to Tijuana by myself. I totally got lost, but that's beside the point. My destination was staying with a friend, so it's not like I was all by my lonesome once I got there. I'm also fluent in Spanish, so my nervousness was a tad ridiculous. More than anything, though I've always been independent, widowhood has had me confront being alone in a whole new way. It was a big deal that I drove myself to Mexico. 

7. I had a full-blown relationship with a married man. 
More on that later! (Maybe.) And no judgement, please. That man got me through some tough times, the circumstances were unique, and I was also a hot mess just trying to get through the day.

8. I started writing a book! And this blog! My roomies are to thank for shedding light on this dream I had forgotten I've always had. 

9. I went paragliding. This was AWESOME! And I can thank one of my dear roomies for this marvelous experience. In the weeks leading up to the "1-year thing" of Mark's suicide, I was a MESS. Exhausted, crying, yelling, anxious, more crying, bursting with pent-up energy, more exhausted. It was awful. I didn't care about much and think I would've done anything in those days if I didn't have at least some mind to maintain control. I came up with that I wanted to do something "risky, but not reckless". We decided on paragliding. It's actually quite safe, but there's always the chance you could fall and land on a cliff, or the ocean, considering we did it in La Jolla. So, yeah. Risky, but not reckless. I loved it and would seriously consider learning to do it on my own.

10. I dyed my hair red! I neglected its length for a while, but not the color. I didn't put much thought into it. My roomy was going platinum, and I asked which color would be a good change for me. Everybody in the room agreed on red, so the very next day, I bought two boxes of Garnier or some other brand at Target. The actually dying was a riot in which my roomy nearly drowned me in the sink. I've gone through several shades, since we didn't quite know how to time coloring my roots. Seriously, my hair was candy apple red for a few weeks. But it faded, and now I'm back to my usual dirty blonde roots with the red slowly fading. I'm too lazy to color it again, but we'll see how long that lasts.

11. I flirted like it was my job. At this point, having painted a lovely picture of my character and integrity, I'm sure this isn't surprising. I don't do it anymore and am generally quite cautious around men. I'm not yet open to a new relationship or even dating, though I do expect that to change. Flirting at this point would just confuse people and put me in situations I don't want to be in. But hey, it was fun for a while. It was nice to feel wanted in moments during a period when I felt completely rejected and abandoned by the person I'd chosen to be my partner. 

12. I started a career in an entirely new field. I was already in a sort of exploratory time in my employment when Mark died. I'd really been wanting to try something new, having satisfied my love of teaching English as a Second Language way sooner than I ever imagined was possible. But there came a point months after Mark died when I desperately needed a new job and was very unsure what I'd do. Fortunately, the stars aligned and I was offered a position working for a general contractor. I knew nothing about construction, but it turns out that I really love it.

13. I cut people out of my life. There are some I simply stopped responding to and others whose numbers I deleted from my phone when I realized they weren't going to be making the efforts to call me. No hard feelings. Suicide makes people uncomfortable, so some people just don't know what to say to me. The good ones have stuck around or come back. I disconnected on social media from people who no longer lifted me up. It felt like Spring cleaning.

This might be the first round of multiple posts like this, as I'm sure I'll continue to do and try new things I'd never have dared to do in my past life. It's been fun. I've learned a lot of lessons. I've stepped outside of my comfort zone. I've made a couple of messes! But I've carried on. Likely, most of the things on this list wouldn't have happened had Mark not died as he did. I mean, I think I would've eventually made it to Mexico, but each of these things happened at exactly the right moment with the right amount of discomfort and excitement. It feels good to be alive.