Harvest Moon

Come a little bit closer; hear what I have to say. Just like children sleeping, we could dream the night away. 

I want somebody to hold me and sway slowly to the music, one hand on my back, the other grasping my right hand, thumb in my palm. My eyes closed, my forehead at the perfect spot where he can kiss it, and my cheek warm against his face, I want to feel the heat of his breath by my ear and feel his heart beating against my chest. 

Gentlemen, this is not an invitation to ask me out. Seriously, you'll probably piss me off. 
*Clearly, I am not ready to date yet.*

But when I am ready, I really do want to be someone's person again. I want to be taken care of and showered with love. I've never been very big into elaborate displays of affection, but heck, I might even have a wedding if I ever get married again. (Mark and I didn't do that; we went to City Hall with just Shaela, our besty, to be our witness.) And it will probably be a humongous wedding because if I'm ever getting married again, it'll be one of the bravest things I ever do, and that will be worth celebrating. With dancing! I really love to dance. And eat cake! So, we'll have a big cake, too. It will probably have cream cheese frosting. 

The thing is, though, it won't be anything at all like I imagine right now because there will be another human involved, and I don't yet know who that is. And who the heck knows what he'll be like? I mean, I guess I have some say in that. He'll be tall. (Nothing against Mark and his shortness.) He'll enjoy dancing, even if he's terrible at it. And that's about as far as I've gotten, aside from the endless laundry list of standards I set for men to keep myself "safe" from them. But I have no idea what he'll be like. Or where I'll meet him. Maybe I already know him. Maybe I won't meet him for another thirty years, though I hope it doesn't take that long. I do see, though, that at some point it won't all be about Mark, and this is the first moment I've allowed myself to feel relieved about that. 

I was talking to one of my Marines this weekend about when I might really consider dating, so it's been on my mind. Then, one of my fellow suicide widows very courageously posted for the first time about the man she has been seeing for a year. I know it took guts, even over three years since losing her husband, and it gave me hope. Others can tell me I'll date again, but seeing her share about her experience had it feel like a real possibility for me as well.

I am in no rush, and I really mean that. But I do look forward to that slow dance.